Module 3 - Chapter 2

Self-Awareness in Communication

Know yourself deeply to communicate authentically. Discover your communication patterns, triggers, blind spots, and strengths. Learn the crucial difference between your intent and your impact.

The Foundation of All Growth: Knowing Yourself

Self-awareness is the cornerstone of effective communication and personal growth. As the ancient Greek aphorism states: "Know thyself." You cannot change what you're not aware of, and you cannot communicate authentically if you don't understand your own patterns, triggers, and motivations.

Why Self-Awareness Matters in Communication

Authenticity: Understanding yourself allows you to communicate from a place of truth
Control: Awareness of triggers helps you respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally
Growth: Recognizing blind spots opens pathways for improvement
Relationships: Knowing your communication style helps you adapt to others
Impact: Understanding the gap between intent and impact prevents misunderstandings

The Two Levels of Self-Awareness:

Internal Self-Awareness: How clearly you see your own values, passions, reactions, and impact on others
External Self-Awareness: Understanding how other people view you

Research by organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich shows that while 95% of people think they're self-aware, only 10-15% actually are. This chapter will help you join that rare group.

Discovering Your Communication Patterns

We all have default communication patterns - habitual ways we express ourselves, listen, and respond. These patterns were formed over years and often operate unconsciously.

Common Communication Patterns

1. The Problem-Solver

Pattern: Immediately jumps to solutions when others share problems

Example: Friend: "I'm struggling at work." You: "Have you tried talking to your manager?"

Impact: People may feel unheard; sometimes they want empathy, not solutions

Awareness Practice: Notice your urge to fix. Ask: "Do you want solutions or someone to listen?"

2. The Storyteller

Pattern: Responds to others' stories with your own similar experiences

Example: Colleague: "My presentation went badly." You: "Oh, let me tell you about MY presentation disaster..."

Impact: Can shift focus away from the other person; may seem like you're competing or not listening

Awareness Practice: Count to 3 before sharing your story. Ask a follow-up question first.

3. The Avoider

Pattern: Changes subject or minimizes when uncomfortable topics arise

Example: Person: "I need to talk about what happened." You: "It's not a big deal. Want to get lunch?"

Impact: Problems fester; people feel dismissed and unimportant

Awareness Practice: Notice your discomfort. Lean into it: "This is hard, but let's talk."

4. The Interrupter

Pattern: Completes others' sentences or speaks before they finish

Example: Person: "I was thinking we could—" You: "—try the new approach! Great idea!"

Impact: People feel unheard and disrespected; you miss important information

Awareness Practice: Count to 2 after someone stops speaking before you respond.

5. The Analyzer

Pattern: Focuses on logic and facts, downplays emotions

Example: Person: "I'm devastated." You: "Well, statistically, this was likely to happen."

Impact: People feel invalidated; emotions are dismissed as irrational

Awareness Practice: Acknowledge feelings first: "That sounds really hard" before analyzing.

Self-Discovery: What's Your Primary Pattern?

Think of your last 5 conversations. Which pattern shows up most often?

Remember: These patterns aren't inherently bad. They become problems only when applied unconsciously or inappropriately.

Identifying Your Triggers and Blind Spots

Communication Triggers

Triggers are specific situations, words, or behaviors that provoke strong emotional reactions in you, often disproportionate to the situation. Understanding your triggers gives you power over them.

Common Communication Triggers

Being interrupted or talked over → Triggers feeling disrespected or invisible
Receiving criticism → Triggers defensiveness or shame
Being questioned or challenged → Triggers insecurity or anger
Feeling misunderstood → Triggers frustration or withdrawal
Tone of voice (condescending, dismissive) → Triggers resentment or hurt
Being ignored or left out → Triggers anxiety or inadequacy
Certain topics (money, politics, family) → Triggers emotional flooding
Particular people or personalities → Triggers old wounds or patterns

Trigger Awareness Exercise

Think of your last emotional communication moment. Answer these questions:

What specifically was said or done that triggered you?
What emotion did you feel? (Be specific: not "bad" but "dismissed and frustrated")
On a scale of 1-10, how intense was the reaction?
Was your reaction proportionate to what actually happened?
Does this trigger remind you of past experiences? Which ones?
What underlying need or value was threatened? (respect, safety, belonging, competence)

Often our strongest triggers trace back to childhood experiences, unmet needs, or core insecurities. Recognizing this helps us respond consciously rather than react automatically.

Blind Spots: What You Don't See About Yourself

Blind spots are aspects of your communication that you're unaware of but others notice clearly. They're called "blind" because you literally can't see them without external feedback.

Common Communication Blind Spots

Your facial expressions don't match your words ("I'm fine" while looking angry)
Your tone sounds harsher than you intend (you think you're being direct; others hear criticism)
You dominate conversations without realizing (you're enthusiastic; others can't get a word in)
You shut down when challenged (you think you're listening; you're visibly withdrawn)
You use sarcasm or humor that hurts (you're joking; others feel mocked)
You're inconsistent in your message (say one thing, do another; erodes trust)

The Johari Window: Understanding Awareness

	Known to Self	Unknown to Self
Known to Others	Open/Public What you and others both know	Blind Spot What others see but you don't
Unknown to Others	Hidden/Facade What you know but keep private	Unknown Unknown to everyone

Goal: Expand your "Open" area by sharing more (reducing Hidden) and seeking feedback (reducing Blind Spots).

Impact vs Intent: The Gap That Matters

One of the most crucial self-awareness lessons in communication: Your intent doesn't determine your impact. What you meant to communicate and how it was received can be completely different.

The Core Truth

Your INTENT is about you. Your IMPACT is about them.

When there's a gap between the two, IMPACT is what matters for the relationship. You must own your impact, even when your intent was positive.

Examples of Intent-Impact Gaps

Scenario 1:

Your Intent: "I wanted to motivate you to improve."

What You Said: "You really need to step up your game here."

Their Impact: Felt criticized, demotivated, ashamed

The Gap: Your delivery felt harsh; tone overshadowed your positive intent

Scenario 2:

Your Intent: "I was trying to be helpful and show I understand."

What You Said: "Oh yeah, the same thing happened to me..." (shares long story)

Their Impact: Felt unheard, like you made it about yourself

The Gap: Your empathy attempt shifted focus away from them

Scenario 3:

Your Intent: "I was just joking around to lighten the mood."

What You Said: Sarcastic comment about their mistake

Their Impact: Felt mocked, humiliated in front of others

The Gap: Your humor at their expense hurt rather than helped

How to Bridge the Intent-Impact Gap

1. Own Your Impact

Don't say: "I didn't mean it that way, so you shouldn't feel hurt."

Instead say: "I didn't intend to hurt you, but I understand that I did. I'm sorry."

Acknowledge the impact regardless of your intent. Their experience is valid.

2. Ask for Feedback

Regular check-ins: "How did that land for you?" or "Did that come across the way I intended?"

After difficult conversations: "I wanted to support you. Did it feel that way?"

Create psychological safety for honest feedback.

3. Pause Before Responding

Ask yourself: "How might this be received? Is there a better way to say this?"

Consider tone, timing, and context - not just words.

4. Align Intent with Delivery

If your intent is kindness, use kind words, tone, and body language.

If your intent is clarity, be clear without being harsh.

Make sure your how matches your what.

360-Degree Feedback: See Yourself Through Others' Eyes

The most powerful way to uncover blind spots and understand your impact is through structured feedback from multiple perspectives: colleagues, friends, family, managers, and direct reports.

How to Conduct a Personal 360 Review

Select 5-10 people across different relationships (work, family, friends)
Ask specific questions about your communication (see below)
Request honesty: "I genuinely want to grow. Please be candid."
Listen without defending: Resist the urge to explain or justify
Thank them: Show appreciation for their courage in being honest
Look for patterns: What do multiple people say?
Create an action plan: Choose 1-2 areas to work on

360-Degree Feedback Questions

Strengths

What do I do well in our communications?
When do you feel most heard and understood by me?
What's one communication strength you appreciate about me?

Blind Spots

What's one thing I do that I might not realize affects our communication negatively?
Is there a gap between what I seem to intend and how it impacts you?
What do you wish I knew about how I come across?

Growth Areas

If you could change one thing about how I communicate, what would it be?
In what situations do I communicate least effectively?
What could I do to make you feel more valued in our conversations?

Specific Behaviors

Do I listen more than I talk, or talk more than I listen?
How do I handle disagreements or criticism?
Do I make you feel safe to share difficult things with me?

Commitment: Your 360 Plan

Who will you ask for feedback this week?

What's your biggest fear about receiving this feedback?

What commitment will you make to receive feedback with openness?

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